Recorded on the 25th of November 2010

Alberto shows up in an oversized black kimono jacket over a simple t-shirt, loose black jeans and in his favourite green Converse, a large tumbler of coffee clutched in his hand. He slumps on a chair and waits, his expression unreadable.

Zelda: Hi Alberto, it’s you and me once again.
Alberto: Hi.

Z: Since I know you won’t be talkative, at least keep your answers honest.
A: *doesn’t answer*

Z: Let’s begin. What’s your full name?
A: I’m not comfortable sharing that kind of information.

Z: Great start. *breathes slowly* What’s your nationality?
A: Italian.

Z: Where were you born?
A: Napoli.

Z: Nice.
A: *shrugs* 

Z: Do you have any siblings?
A: *gazes into the distance* Not that I know of.

Z: You think you may have other siblings?
A: Everyone shares that risk.

Z: If you say so… What’s your date of birth?
A: January 4th. Can I stop you here for a second? I really wonder how Zak knew that information. I don’t remember telling anyone.

Z: Zak was kind of stalking you. If you told anyone, he might have heard it, or seen it somewhere.
A: … Oh. I guess. 

Z: Well… let me try to make it interesting—
A: Good luck.

Z: *clears throat* What did you get for your birthday this year? You turned seventeen, right?
A: I did.

Z: And? What did you get?
A: *takes a sip of coffee, his face blank* I don’t remember. 

Z: Cool. Cool-cool-cool.
A: You’re welcome.

Z: What’s your favourite subject at school?
A: *takes a deep breath* I… *frowns at length* I would say History.

Z: Good! History’s good! Do you like your teacher?
A: I literally can’t remember his name.

Z: Let’s move on. Are you single, married or in a relationship?
A: Aren’t you supposed to know all that stuff already?

Z: It’s not for me, it’s for your fans.
Z: My fans. *looks dubitative* Okay.

Z: What’s your answer?
A: No to all three.

Z: Wait… What? You’re not single?
Z: *silence* I am. I got confused by the phrasing. 

Z: Are you glad or upset to be single?
A: I have zero opinion on the subject. 

Z: Does that mean you don’t care?
A: You could say that. 

Z: Good enough. Where do you live?
A: I’m not comfortable sharing that kind of information.

Z: Not even a city? For the fans.
A: Zak was my biggest fan and I gave him nothing. Do you want to ask again?

Z: You are something else, you know that?
A: Next.

Z: Fair enough. What’s your favourite breakfast?
A: *glances around the room, looking confused* Who cares what I eat for breakfast?

Z: Your fans. Humour me!
A: Fine. *thinks* My favourite breakfast… I like coffee.

Z: Right! Not bad! What else? Something to eat.
A: Smoothies. 

Z: That’s nice. Is that usually what you eat?
A: I don’t handle that sort of thing, you know that.

Z: Let’s move on, then. I’m supposed to ask you your favourite football player as a cheeky question, but—
A: I’m leaving if you do.

Z: Favourite movie, then?
A: I like too many movies. I can’t answer that.

Z: That’s a first! What kind of movies do you like?
A: *shrugs* The kind that makes people look at you like there’s something wrong with you.

Z: Okay… We’ll get back to that later. What’s your dream job?
A: Do people have those?

Z: Yes, it’s not uncommon.
A: *shifts in his seat* What did the others say?

Z: Ahem… Zak wants to be an actor.
A: Oh, right. I remember that.

Z: Eric probably wants to be a football player.
A: Does he? I guess he needs to run after something. Might as well be a ball.

Z: You’re very… perceptive.
A: Thank you.

Z: Okay, so… Dream job?
A: I really don’t want to talk about my future with you.

Z: Okay. Not nice.
A: Like you care.

Z: I don’t. You and I get along just fine.
A: For now.

Z: Okay, then, next question. Are you religious, or spiritual?
A: I’m a worshipper of the devil.

Z: WTF? *looks down at her notes*
A: *smirks* 

Z: Do you mean you’re some sort of emo?
A: It’s just something I heard.

Z: Someone told you you were a worshipper of the devil?
A: Something like that. Perhaps it was something else. Like I was the devil myself. *Alberto frowns* But that’s impossible.

Z: Why is that?
A: I’ve met the devil, I know it’s not me.

Z: So you are emo as fuck.
A: You know I don’t understand what this word means, right?

Z: Look it up.
A: No.

Z: Let’s move on. How do you deal with stress?
A: *frowns, then surprisingly smiles* Are you joking right now?

Z: You don’t want to answer?
A: Of course, I don’t want to answer, I don’t even want to be here, but you said—

Z: I know what I said. I’m sorry. I’ll move on to the next question. How do you deal with heartbreak?
A: Heart… break?

Z: Like, what did you do when Zak broke up with you?
A: Zak broke my heart? 

Z: Let’s pretend he did.
A: Yeah okay.

Z: Can you pretend a little bit better?
A: *puts his chin in his hand*

Z: Forget it. What did you do after he broke up with you?
A: I set the school on fire.

Z: Alberto, please.
A: Okay. Give me a second. *appears lost in thought for about two minutes* I left school, Xavier caught me, he invited me to his place, I said no, I went home.

Z: Can you be more explicit?
A: Can you??

Z: … Did you do something special that particular weekend?
A: I slept a lot. It was grand. 

Z: Okay. Next. Drugs, alcohol, or both?
A: *looks over his shoulder* It looks like I’m gonna need a lawyer if this goes on. 

Z: You won’t say?
A: I won’t say anything. To anyone. Ever.

Z: But it makes it look like you have something to hide.
A: I couldn’t care less.

*Silence as we proceed to stare at each other for a full minute.*

Z: Let’s move on… What do you do for fun?
A: *clicks his tongue* Unwise question. 

Z: I just realised.
A: Now I have to do your job for you.

Z: All right. Let me make it easy for you. Give me the speech.
A: *nods* I really enjoy fine arts and exhibitions.

Z: Oh, goodie! Wonderful.
A: *smiles* I know. 

Z: You must be really smart, after so many exhibitions.
A: *ignores my question in profit of admiring his shoes*

Z: Something more difficult—
A: Because the rest was so easy.

Z: Hush now. What’s your best quality?
A: *gives me his you must be joking look.* 

Z: Go on. Say it. For the fans.
A: *leans closer and whispers* I’m good-looking.

Z: Oh, really?
A: *shrugs* So I’ve heard. 

Z: What do you think?
A: I know I’m good-looking. 

Z: Like, good enough to be a model good-looking. It’s hard to describe on paper.
A: It’s lost, on paper. Look at my face.

Z: *sighs* Do you think you’re the most attractive man you’ve ever met?
A: I don’t know. I don’t look at other men, usually.

Z: Oh?
A: *narrows his eyes* 

Z: Then… what do you think of Zak and Eric, physically?
A: Huh… No one wants my opinion on the subject. 

Z: Nah, you’re wrong. Tell me.
A: Zak’s really cute. 

Z: Good. And?
A: I think he’ll be cute for the rest of his life.

Z: That’s really sweet.
A: If you say so. He’s not nearly as good-looking as I am, obviously, or else—

Z: Alberto—
A: What? Do you want me to lie?

Z: What about Eric?
A: *scratches his forehead* He looks like a dork and he dresses like a clown.

Z: *stares at him in shock*
A: *doesn’t notice* But in five to ten years he’ll be hotter than me.

Z: What??
A: Fact. I’m living my best years, probably… *trails off* … probably… *He glances up and notices me* But Eric’s got that jawline, and those deep-set eyes, and—what?

Z: Do you like Eric?
A: Say that again and I’m leaving. I’m just saying he’ll grow out of his clown phase and he’ll become sexy. He’ll still be a dork, though. *looks away* I can’t stand this guy, I swear. I don’t know how people do it. The noise…

Z: *laughs in her fist*
A: Laugh all you want, he can’t stand me either.

Z: That’s the absolute truth.
A: *He smiles*

Z: Next question. What’s your worst flaw?
A: Finally, the good stuff.

Z: Answer.
A: *opens his mouth, no sound comes out*

Z: Alberto?
A: I can’t think of anything.

Z: You’re a bit of a dick, you know that?
A: I don’t like to play along.

Z: I know.
A: There you go. You said it. I’m a dick. Major flaw. Don’t talk to me. Let’s move on.

Z: I can see that you’re upset.
A: When am I ever upset?

Z: Moving on, moving on… How do you think people see you?
A: *hesitates briefly* As something really good-looking.

Z: *snorts* Nothing else? That’s all they think of you?
A: *shrugs* What else is there?

Z: Okay, okay. What are your politics?
A: I don’t do politics. ‘Makes people angry. Do you know why?

Z: Tell me.
A: Because they turn on their TV way too early to watch ugly news, while I’m in bed until the last minute. Politics… What’s the point… 

Z: Let’s move on. What’s your sexual orientation?
A: *glares at me* None of your business. 

Z: You know what, that’s fair. What keeps you awake at night?
A: *emits a noise which sounds like laughter* Not my sexual orientation, that’s for sure. 

Z: Can you give another answer?
A: Look. Nothing keeps me awake at night. I sleep like the dead. Nothing keeps me awake during the day either. Have you met me?

Z: Okay, okay. Tell me, what is your most pressing problem at the moment?
A: This interminable Kafkaesque nightmare of an interview.

Z: Ouch. Not my fault if people like you.
A: *flicks his wrist* I don’t get it.

Z: Do you want to talk about your parents?
A: People have therapists for that. Also, never.

Z: Do you want to talk about Xavier?
A: *eyes widen* Why on earth would I want to talk about Xavier?

Z: Just couldn’t help myself. I had to ask.
A: *gets up* I don’t think I can stand you anymore.

Z: You can! Talk to you soon!
A: *as he leaves* Whatever.

Alberto is out of the door before the interviewer can add anything else.

Z: I think that went well.

Recorded on the 26th of November 2010

Eric strolls in clad in civilian clothes (!) which for him consist of denim jeans, a bright blue sweater and a short grey coat. His high-top sneakers are black, white, and a vivid shade of pink.

Zelda: Okay, this is our first one on one, so I’m a little ner—
Eric: Should I call you Mom?

Z: Never do that, please.
E: But it makes you all moody and I like it. 

Z: And stop touching my stuff.
E: But it’s a real mess in your head.

Z: Sit down. Okay.
E: You’ve got a lot of Alberto crap in there.

Z: Right. Let’s begin.
E: Do you have any food?

Z: No. What’s your full name?
E: Eric Sebastian Tucker-Régnier. Don’t forget the accent. I never use the Sebastian bit. I wonder why it’s there. I should ask, one day. Come to think of it… I think my godfather’s name’s Sebastian. I’ll get back to you on that, all right? Don’t fret.

Z: Okay… Thanks. Nationality?
E: Franco-American, I’ve got two passports, peaches.

Z: Don’t call me that. Where were you born?
E: Paris.

Z: Siblings?
E: Andrew, but we call him Andy like the cowboy in the Potato movie.

Z: The what?
E: The movie with the toys.

Z: Toy Story?
E: That one. There’s the Monsieur Patate and Madame Patate and they’re in love.

Z: I sometimes wonder how your brain works.
*He smirks*

Z: Date of birth?
E: October 19. Listen! Zak was shocked when he realised I was only three months older than him. He thought I was seventeen already. But I JUST turned seventeen. He said that explained why I act like a kid. I don’t mind, I think he’s—

Z: *coughs* Can we please, continue?
E: Sure, sure. I forgot what we were talking about anyway.

Z: You date of birth.
E: My birthday party?

Z: … sure.
E: I didn’t get everything I wanted but I got some pretty cool stuff. Zak stayed over, but the candy stayed wrapped. My new best buddy got me a video game and was really awkward about it.

Z: That’s nice. What’s your favourite subject at school?
E: Oh! Zak.

Z: No, I meant, subject to study.
E: Yeah. Zak.

Z: … Anything else?
E: Zak’s a—

Z: Let’s say EPS, then. EPS! (Physical Education)
E: *shrugs* Say whatever you want, I gave you my answer.

Z: Are you single, married or in a relationship?
E: I’m… not at liberty to say.

Z: *shuffles through her notes* What?
E: *leans in mysteriously* I can only say that I’m not single.

Z: He’s refused to marry you again, hasn’t he?
E: *scrunches up his face* Yeah, well, if you know then why do you ask? It’s dumb. Also, I consider myself engaged. Tell him that when you interview him.

Z: I did him before.
E: What did he say??

Z: He… laughed.
*Eric proceeds to giggle for two minutes.*

Z: You know you’ve only been together for two months, right?
E: I’m counting. I’m counting. 

Z: Right. Where do you live?
E: Raspail, with my mom. For now. But it’s cool. I… I love Mom. Her name is Constance, she likes watching videos of baby goats wearing sweaters.

Z: That’s… really nice actually.
E: *nods, looking cute* Oui.

Z: Favourite breakfast?
E: BANANAS! I have them for dessert too, or snacks. Or any other time of day. I really like bananas. Zak only tolerates them. 

Z: Favourite football player?
E: Oh. Tough one. Thierry Henry I think. He’s the one who made me want to become one. 

Z: Dream job?
E: I’d love to be a football player because I can retire super early, then do whatever.

Z: Okay, huh… What’s whatever?
E: I don’t know. Animals. I like animals. I should also have a kid at some point.

Z: Okay. I’m not telling Zak that.
E: Ha! Tell him I love him, okay?

Z: I’m not gonna do that. You’re in my head, remember.
*Eric watches me with a blank look*

Z: Moving on. Are you religious, or spiritual?
E: Yes.

Z: Is this answer in any way related to Zak?
E: Yes.

Z: Never mind, then. How do you deal with stress?
E: Exercise.

Z: That’s… healthy. How do you deal with heartbreak?
E: … Ahem… Exercise, hopefully. Let’s see about that… never. 

Z: Drugs, alcohol, or both?
E: Haha! Nice try! But I know you. So I’ll say: anything in moderation. 

Z: Including Zak?
E: Okay now you’re jerking me around!

Z: What do you do for fun?
E: Zak.

Z: Dude, what the hell!
E: I really didn’t mean it like that. You have a problem, not me.

Z: Ok, I’m sorry.
E: But yeah, that too.

Z: … We should stop here.
E: Don’t! I love talking about myself! Plus I was kidding. Zak’s an innocent, he doesn’t do these things. 

Z: If that’s truly the case, how do you cope?
E: … Exercise! *He starts fidgeting* Okay, ask me something else.

Z: What’s your best quality?
E: Phew… I don’t know. Mom and Zak say I’m happy-happy. Like, positive. 

Z: What do you think?
E: I don’t know, I hope they’re right. You wanna know Zak’s best quality?

Z: …. Okay…
E: So, it’s when he get his coffee in the morning. If you make it right, and I make it right, listen, don’t look away, I make it just right. He’s gonna take a sip, then he closes his eyes and makes this kitty face and he’s like “Mmmh. It’s good.” And that’s it!

Z: That’s… his best quality?
E: I mean, no, but it’s really cute and it makes me feel like… really big inside and warm and all. 

Z: O—
E: Oh! Wait! There’s also the way he sings Olivia Ruiz “Elle panique” at the moment. He heard it the other day and he was singing and I thought to myself, *switches to inexplicable Southern drawl* oh dear lord in heaven! *switches back to usual accent* He’s got the cutest voice and he can do Olivia Ruiz’s little kitty voice super well. 

Z: Now I’m panicking.
E: Don’t. Chill. He’s so good at it. He makes those little noises. Elle panique. *he whispers* Elle panique. He also had me learn the moves from the music video. Do you wanna see a picture of Zak?

Z: Hang—hang on a minute. He had you what?
E: *laughs awkwardly* Well, promise you won’t tell anyone?

Z: … Yeah, sure.
E: He loves the music video. I… huh… I also love the music video. You know, when she punches the brain? Anyway, he had me do the moves. If I do them well when we see the music video on TV, then I get stuff.

Z: Like…
E: *shrugs* Like kisses and stuff. 

Z: A tennis ball too, perhaps?
E: I still don’t know what happened to my tennis ball. I think Zak buried it somewhere because he didn’t like it. Or Xavier swallowed it. I don’t know. Hey, so, do you want to see a picture of Zak or not?

Z: I’d love to, but for some reason, I could never find a good one.
E: That’s because he’s mine, not yours. One day he’ll be even hotter than Alberto. You’ll see. 

Z: That’s funny. Alberto said the same thing about you.
E: He said what?

Z: That you’d become hotter than him one day.
E: He… did? *grows quiet for a minute* I can never read this guy. Can you?

Z: Well, yeah… We’re good mates.
E: You’re lying.

Z: You wish. Anyway, what’s your worst flaw?
E: Back to talking about me! Good. I’m too hot-headed, definitely. Not in a violent way, but in a dumb way. I should think more often before I do things. And I don’t like to lose. But I have to learn, you know. Everyone does.

Z: That’s right.
E: Zak’s worst flaw is probably Alberto.

Z: I didn’t ask.
E: I know. I’m telling you.

Z: What do you mean?
E: I don’t know. I just, I’m not sure I’m free of him, you know. 

Z: Okay, noted. Moving on: how do you think people see you?
E: Like, when they meet me?

Z: What’s their opinion of you in general?
E: I’m cute. 

Z: That’s it?
E: What? You’re saying I’m not?

Z: Forget it. What are your politics?
E: My… what? 

Z: My thoughts exactly. What’s your sex—
E: My politics?

Z: Yeah.
E: We should protect the bees. All of them. Save all the bees.

Z: Save all the bees.
E: Yep. All of them.

Z: Fair enough. What’s your sexual orientation?
E: *heaves a deep sigh* I would… I think I’m bisexual. But now that I’ve been looking it up on google, you know, because of Alberto, now I’m not sure. For now, that’s where I think I am.

Z: Why were you googling bisexuals while thinking of Alberto?
E: I wasn’t. I was just trying to find out his deal.

Z: Have you tried asking him?
E: I would rather ask google than talk to him ever again so, no.

Z: Let’s talk challenges.
E: YES!

Z: What keeps you awake at night?
E: Z—

Z: Wait. Wrong question, obviously. What is your most pressing problem at the moment?
E: *stares blankly into the distance* I mean… I kinda have to pee, but apart from that… I’m pretty good. 

Z: Are things better between you and your father?
E: You know, when he came from New York, he was a bit pissed off and I was too, but after talking with my coach he was really proud of me because he knows I haven’t been slacking. So he thinks having Zak around is going to be a distraction, but I disagree because I can’t let Zak ever be disappointed in me, right? He thinks I’m a football superstar, so I better be good to keep up that image. As long as I keep up, Dad’s happy. My coach let him know that it would be a mistake for me to go to the U.S. after I graduate because I’ll have a really big opportunity to step up soon. Guys, watch me. In three years I’ll be at the World Cup.

Z: … Not if all you think about is Zak.
E: You’re not nice at all, did you know that?

Z: Since you do seem to have a pressing problem, we can conclude this interview.
E: Sweet, you know where to find me. 

Eric gets up and hugs the interviewer before strolling out whistling.