#MiLo’s Valentine’s Interview



Louis and Michael, well-dressed but looking a little red in the face, enter the room. They have been together for several years at the time of this interview. Michael helps Louis on the high stool chair, and Louis helps him back. They flash the interviewer a weird smile.


Zelda: So, a year and a half after your story came out, here we are. You still have some fans.
Louis: Thanks to him!

Michael: No, clearly it’s thanks to you.
Louis: It’s the curls, isn’t it?
Michael: Stop it, it’s you—
Z: Okay. I see we’re off to a good start. Let’s keep this one short.
M: I’m listening.
L: I’m…
M: You’re listening too.
L: I’m listening.
Z: The question is: what is your ideal Valentine date?
L: The category.
Z: What?
L: Say “The category is…”
M: *jumps excitedly on his seat* Oh!
Z: No.
Michael whispers something in Louis’s ear.
L: Ok, so ideal Valentine’s date.
Z: Yes, please.
L: That’s a question for Mister over here.
M: Why?
L: You’re the Valentine guy. I’m the… I’m the other guy.
M: Why are you like this?
L: Ask my therapist.
M: I’m your therapist.
Both start chuckling and grabbing onto each other. Your interviewer’s eyes narrow: she clears her throat.
L: The thing is: this guy likes fancy stuff and I don’t like fancy stuff.
M: What?
L: Like that time you said—*raises his voice*—LIKE THAT TIME—
M: Shh—
L: Like that time you said we wouldn’t do anything and then suddenly we were in a fancy restaurant!
M: That was in… August, as I recall, and it had nothing to do with Valentine’s day!
L: *grabbing the interviewer* It was awful, I was so uncomfortable—
M: Okay, okay, the story is—
L: *trying to put his hand over Michael’s mouth* They don’t need to know the story.
M: *pushing his hand away* It was the time I asked if you wanted to have sex with me and—
L: Gnn!
M: —you ran away!
Z: *watching the clock over their head* And your ideal Valentine’s date, then?
M: *staring at the side of Louis’s face* I did not bring you to another fancy restaurant for months after that!
L: That’s only because you made a scene and everybody was staring! Not because—
M: *snorts inelegantly* “I made a scene”. You made a scene. *He laughs.*
Z: Why are you laughing?
M: He’s something, isn’t he? Michael leans in and kisses a reluctant Louis on the cheek, then traces his thumb along his jawline.

L: I’m innocent.

Louis seems confused for a second. The interviewer sighs loud enough to be heard by Eric and Zak who are currently on holiday in Morocco. Louis snaps out of it and points a finger at Michael. 

L: I tell you what, this guy’s Valentine’s schemes have one purpose and one only, and it’s to get me to take off my clothes!
M: *makes that face*
Z: Is that true?
M: *shaking his head.* It’s not—
L: *smirking* Go on, fight your way out of this one.
M: *chortling* It’s not… not true.
L: *looking excited* And it’s not just the Valentine’s schemes! There are also the birthday schemes *counts on his fingers*, Christmas schemes, Hanukkah schemes—neither of us is Jewish by the way—oh, and my favourite, the Sunday church schemes!
Z: Sunday church schemes?
M: *nodding and grinning* Eric taught me that one.
Z: Wh—
L: Don’t ask! *tosses back his hair dramatically* It’s all a ploy to get me to take off my clothes.
Z: *At Michael* Do you admit it?
M: *appearing serious, but lightly swaying on his seat* I do.
L: *nods*

M: Not my fault. Have you seen him?

Louis turns red and tries to hide his face behind his hands. Michael tries to remove his hands, and when he realises he can’t, starts kissing Louis’s neck. Louis mutters something rude in French, but he removes his hands. They start smooching while the interviewer checks her emails.

Z: This is getting nowhere. How’s Eugénie?
L: *pushing Michael away* Oh! She’s fine.
Z: And David?
M: *chuckling* He has a girlfriend. Louis doesn’t like her.
L: I don’t like anyone, so… *he crosses his arms over his chest*
M: *almost falling from his seat* He doesn’t like anyone but me.
L: Oh! *beams*
M: Which is all that matters.
L: Wait—
M: It’s not true by the way, he does like people!
L: *reaching out and wrapping his arm around Michael’s neck* Yeah. You’re spreading… you’re spreading…
M: Lies?
L: Yeah, lies!

Z: *sighing again* Ladies, Gentlemen, Enbies, these two fools are obviously drunk.

M: I’m not drunk.

L: Hot stuff, you are drunk.
M: Sorry. We are drunk. We had a Valentine lunch at home.
L: *loudly* He LURED me into this by pretending it was something else.
Z: Pretending it was what?
L: *looking at the interviewer as if she was dumb* LUNCH!
M: Yep! Yes, I did.
L: He admits it.
M: *trying to kiss him* I admit it.

L: *struggling* It was not in fact, a normal lunch. It was a Valentine lunch through and through. With Champagne, and—what was it?”
M: Lobster. *laughs stupidly*

Louis attempts to get up but falls back heavily onto his seat. 

L: Look at this one. *plunging his hand into Michael’s curls.* Look at him.
M: *loudly* Who says romance is dead!
Z: *checking Twitter as Michael gets up, grabs Louis and kisses him* Who says romance is dead indeed…

Michael mutters something else in Louis’s ear. Finally, they return to their seats. 

Z: *turns off phone* Anyway…  Did it work?
L: *frowning* Did what work?
M: Yes! *he giggles* Yes, it did.
L: Did what work?

… silence.

Louis finally understands and shrugs before his lip curls up.

L: It worked! It always works!
M: I took a day off for this.
Z: Just for this?
M: Just for this.

L: Takes a whole day. Takes a whole day.
Z: *pursing her lips* So, that’s it. Your ideal Valentine date.
M: Ideal Valentine date. Louis and me in a room together. With some nice food—
L: *shakes his hair to show off* I provide the food.
M: Shh… *bites his lip*
Z: So, in conclusion, you have to get him drunk to take his clothes off.
M: No—
L: Wha—
Z: *flashes a fake smile*
L: That is not true! Don’t put that in your report!
M: *brandishing his finger like a sword* You tell them, baby!
Z: This interview is hereby concluded. The day isn’t over. Just get back to your date. 
Michael and Louis scurry out of the room arm in arm and giggling about lobster tails.  The interviewer texts Eric about Sunday Church and receives this answer: “🫖 ⏲”
This author is now on strike.